So, now where was I?

I've been a bit lax on the blogging front in the last week or two. Partly because my life has been blissfully laid back: I've been reading, working on some data for an evaluation of a nonprofit (I like it but {yawn} to talk about), and hanging out with my kids and puppy friend.

obligatory Louie photo

Also partly because I've been having discussions with myself about blogging. Has it run its course for me? Why do I do it? Does it come from a place of authentic expression or has it become more of an obligation or--worse--a source of feeling I need to compete {well, compete's not the right word} or prove myself {closer}?

Side note: one of my professors, David Elkind, pioneered the psychological concept of "imaginary audience." Originally he applied it to adolescents and their tendency to believe that everyone is watching them & how this affects their behavior and decision making...a heightened self-awareness and assumption that everyone else is preoccupied with them too! A couple of years ago in a conversation I had with him, he mentioned that he also thought that new parents revert to this "imaginary audience" mentality when they first have a child and perhaps people continue to do this in periods of change and upheaval in their lives.

People who blog don't have an "imaginary audience"--they have a real, albeit absent, one. But sometimes I wonder whether it still inhibits or artificially guides what we do. What does this do to the way we live our lives? Does it change you? For the better? For the not-so-better?

On good days, I'm simply documenting our lives. {This is our scrapbook. I'll eventually turn it into one.} That's good. I'm putting my thoughts down and giving myself a forum to write. Also good. I'm uplifted by others' thoughts and inspired to try new things,

find the spark,
see thing through another lens,
love my children better,
make the cupcakes,
clean the closet.
All good.

On bad days, I am online too much--depending on virtual connections rather than real ones, writing about living instead of actually living. Or I feel envious of others' great posts & frustrated with my own piddly offerings. Or I wait and wait for comments, hoping to be validated by my part-imaginary-part-real audience. Or I see volumes of fantastic things to want and have and feel less satisfied with my own blessed bounty. Is this just me?

So that's where I've been lately: through the whole cycle of blog existentialism (if a family does something and it isn't blogged, did it happen at all??). It's all in the balance, I've come to think. I may sometimes turn off comments. If so, it's not you...it's me, my dear audience {and always feel free to e-mail me...I love a good e-mail conversation}. I may take some blogidays to try and find me some good, basic, joy and not write about it.

You know, just to keep my imaginary audience guessing.

Comments

[Christie]

I have been feeling the exact same thing about blogging lately. This was an excellent essay. You really do write so well.

[jess]

oooh. lots to think about. some days i feel like blogging is something that is expected of me (especially now living far away from friends and family) and other days i feel like if it weren't for the "documentation" i would just shut myself up into my little apartment and do nothing all day. i like having the accountability of an audience, but is there a way to do it really genuinely and without the pressure? that's the balance i have to find. good thoughts.

[allysha]

I hear you. I've been toying with being done. I'm not sure why, but it crosses my mind from time to time. But then...what? Blogging is complicated.

[Anonymous]

I can see where blogging can become "great expectations", but I enjoy having a peek into your life and mind. If it can be an online journal for you, a way to record and verbalize your spontaneous and/or deep but interesting thoughts, as well as your activities, then it is valuable for you. And if you post some of your "journal entries" and make us think a little deeper, or open a window and let the fresh air into our brains, or ask a provocative question that makes us ponder,(even if we don't always put it on official record back to you), then I say PLEEZE do go on. If you sense it becoming an obligation to live up to some imaginary standard of expectation (ours or yours), then you can trim back and set a "so many times a month" policy. If that helps you stay with the writing but not be overwhelmed by it. Just some meandering thoughts. I love to read your blog, though. Never stop it entirely!! CPB/MA

[calibosmom]

I think you should send this into a newspaper. Very well written and EXACTLY how I and I'm sure many others feel. Very insightfull too. I think you should keep going and see where it takes you and how you evolve.

[Jessica]

I'm so there. It's been hard to conjure up a Point for all this...luckily, I'm totally motivated by the fact that this is the first family history we've ever had. And "old, original" blog friends like you.

I've noticed that I care WAY less about comments than I used to, and that has made a lot of difference for me. I'm hoping I'm kind of balancing out here...swinging back from A Little Too Addicted to Apathy to Just About Right. We'll see.

[gab]

Good points. I find that I love to write my thoughts...but don't really care who reads or comments. (Although I'm thrilled when I anyone does.)

I have a few favorites to read...esp. yours...so don't quit forever!

[Michelle]

So many good thoughts.... I feel the same way and often think about just closing the blog down.

But I am amazed at all the WONDERFUL people(like you)and experiences that blogging has brought into my life.

Hmmm, let's all get together on a tropical island and have a real conversation about this.

[Annie]

Thank you so much, all, for adding to this discussion. And for your kind words (I promise I wasn't fishing for them...)

I love writing, I love the connections with all of you and the keeping up with each other. {Truthfully, the problem is probably that I need to improve my actual life, not that I need to give up the documenting and thinking out loud!} As you all mentioned & hinted, the balance is key, yes?

Cheers to you all.

[dayna]

my thoughts exactly...there is nothing more i can say.