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Kidding myself: An awkward age
This weekend I had the delicious opportunity to hold some babies. Is there a more lovely feeling than the warm trusting weight of a 3-month-old wee one, curled in toward your neck and sleeping on your shoulder? It blisses me out. Sigh.
Not once but twice (twice!) the following conversation happened with two different people:
Young, mid-20-something mom walks by and notices me holding baby: "Aww. Look at you! Practicing to be a grandma?"
Me: ...
Okay, so let me just say up front that I am absolutely looking forward to being a grandma. Someday. I think it will rank right up there with the most fantastic and wonderful of gigs--in the dim, rather distant future. But just because I have an 18-year-old daughter doesn't mean I'm actively practicing to be a grandma or that it's even on my radar screen. (Hear that, Lauren*?)
On the other hand, I am newly 42 which is very much an awkward, generationally ambidextrous age. I get it. Some 42-year-olds are grandmas, after all. Biologically it's possible. Others (including several of my friends) are still having babies themselves.
It wasn't out of line to say. They were being friendly. It just surprised me! Aren't I just a little past mid-20-something myself?
No, for me it was an abrupt paradigm shifting moment, like those optical illusions where some people see the young lovely woman and others see the old hag**. Our ward, for example, is pretty brim full of young moms and pretty scarce on the ones at my stage. Suddenly, I realized how they must see me! I think of myself as their peer but they must think of me pretty much as their mothers' peer! OY.
. . .
*of course, the irony here is that I made my own lovely, young mother into a grandmother when she was just shy of 48. So I'm one to a talk, huh?
**I'm definitely not implying that grandmothers look like old hags. Just using it as a vivid demonstration of the shift I experienced...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Reader Comments (12)
oy. I would not take kindly to that assumption!
I think you look so young! It's the age of your children. I'm not much younger than you but my children are quite young compared to yours so people usually assume I am the age of the other young mothers in my neighborhood. Although, when I step over the utah valley line to the salt lake valley (on the east side at least) most of the moms I encounter are actually older than I am, and have small children. It's all relative.
Outrage! How does one exactly practice to be a grandma anyway? You already know how to hold a baby, feed a two-year-old candy, and leave when it's time for bed. Nobody needs to practice!
{Secretly, though, it wouldn't break my heart if Lauren, you know, found the right boy, got married, and started having babies right away. But I doubt I will feel so cavalier when it's Hannah's turn...:-) }
For the past five years my husband has been ward clerk. While he is adamantly close-mouthed about ward business, he has always been willing to tell me how old people are. Most of the women my age still have little kids at home. One lady brazenly told me that I was part of the "older moms" group. I was like, "Ummm...I hate to tell you this, but you're two years older than me."
She just gulped and hasn't really spoken to me since.
I find myself drifting away from the women in my ward. Is this bad?
Oh no she didn't! You my dear are not a grandma...yet. I agree though, this is a weird stage.
Okay - here's where I reveal that I have been reading your blog for a little while. As one of the "young mothers" in our ward - I have to tell you that I see you as a peer and a role model. If I could only be so interesting and interested as you are! Your presence at ward activities and non-ward activities is valued and needed and I don't think you are seen as my mothers' peer AT ALL.
Laurie, well, we're even because I read your blog, too! I should be clear that I really wasn't offended and it was a completely understandable thing to say. (I actually can't even remember who exactly said it.) It was just weird to think how old I really am on the outside. I've been in denial while these kids grow up all around me :)
eep.
My mother was a grandma at 42.
eep again.
And, this IS an awkward age. There are several young things in my ward that think I am an old mom. I agree with Martha, I think this has to do with the age of your kids. I jokingly tell my older kids to go stand somewhere else (instead of by me) so I can look younger.
;)
One of my friends is expecting (she's my age and a teensy bit horrified. Her youngest is eight and they have been "done" for awhile) -- I am just a teensy-weency bit jealous. Those "3 month-old wee ones" are delicious indeed.
I think most of it is the Lauren effect. Folks making assumptions because she is an adult, now... I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. Grandmas ages generally have to start with a "5" don't they?
For the record, when were in the process of adopting Ian, we asked if there was any way to adopt an 18 year old so we could be on the fast track to grandkids/retirement. :) The social worker said there was a required minimum 10 year age difference.
yes. This is happening to me. A dear friend asked me if I could be her children's grandma because they lived so far away! My friend is probably 34 and I am 47 and I smiled and laughed but I was shocked! ME? A grandma figure? I have also had 2 of my 20ish friends tell me that they wish I was their mom! While I was flattered, I was surprised that they thought I was old enough (I am). I still see myself as being young and firtile when actually I am grandma aged. Shocking.
I have to use reading glasses now. :(
I understand all too well, I'm afraid. And I really hate moments like this (that seem to me, coming far too frequently) when people assume you've hit "a certain age" and are therefore no longer valid in their world. Getting older...sigh...
Today I was buying some stocking stuffers for Christmas and the cashier asked if I was buying them for my grandkids...what?!?