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Always go to the funeral
Greg's grandmother passed away yesterday, the lovely matriarch of a large family. She lived a wonderful and long life and had been ill recently but you're never really prepared for that phone call, are you?
Our kids were very teary last night as we broke the news to them and told stories remembering Grandma Lee and the great memories of our visits over the years. Immediately the kids started asking, "Can we go to her funeral? Please? We have to go." We definitely feel So Far Away from the rest of our family at these times--we're the distant east coast outpost of the family and the funeral is in Idaho--and what we want most is to be with everyone else.
But it was never really a question. We're going. We've always thought it was important but a couple of years ago Greg and I heard a moving This I Believe essay on NPR and decided, right there, that we would always do everything we could to show up at times like these.
Thought I'd share it here. It's kind of long but worth it, I think. Thanks, Deirdre Sullivan, whoever you are, for articulating this in a way that has stayed with us and crystallized our priorities. I especially love this line: "In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing."
I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.
The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. ''Dee,'' he said, ''you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family.''
So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, ''Sorry about all this,'' and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.
That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, ''You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral.''
Sounds simple -- when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that.
''Always go to the funeral'' means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.
In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.
On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.
Deirdre Sullivan grew up in Syracuse, and traveled the world working odd jobs before attending law school at Northwestern University. She’s now a freelance attorney living in Brooklyn. Sullivan says her father’s greatest gift to her and her family was how he ushered them through the process of his death.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Reader Comments (8)
Hi there, link of Jessica's stopping by. I laughed at your comment to her about her applesauce and decided to stop by.
I was greatly rewarded with your touching post. I just went to a funeral last week and can't tell you how happy I am that I did. I know it made a difference. Thanks for a great read.
What great advice. And something I had never really thought of before.
My mom's funeral service was in their old chapel in LA. They had moved away briefly before going on a mission but this was where they considered their 'home ward' to be.
I also distinctly remember everyone standing up when my family came walking in from the back to take our seats on the front row. The chapel was packed with people even standing in the back. It brought tears to my eyes just thinking of all these people who loved my mom and would come to her funeral.
Thanks for that post, really. I am totally committed now to being a funeral go-er.
What great words - yours and hers. I kind of like funerals for people who have lived long, rich, full lives. Makes you grateful for all they've done in their years. Have a safe trip. Hurry back.
This was a great post. Have a safe trip and hope you find great comfort being with all your loved ones!
It's really true...I remember feeling that same way about people coming to the temple for us. It was meaningful that they would come all that way, even if I never even got a chance to talk to them.
Have a good trip.
I went to a funeral last week. I didn't have to go, and I actually didn't want to go, either. I knew it wouldn't be noticed if I wasn't there. But I'm so glad I went, and I think it did make a difference to the family.
Weddings, funerals, the social responsibilities are interesting. Unless I feel especially close to the family, I always have a big debate with myself about attending. I'm not big on crowded places where I have to make small talk, so I usually don't feel bad or guilty if I don't go. But I ALWAYS feel good when I do.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for that moving essay, it really is true!
have a safe trip!
Thanks Annie, I just was over at Bridgets blog reading about her mother and between the two of you I'm going to have swollen puffy eyes in the morning. I felt the same way when my grandmother died a few months ago. When Chris' wasn't sure if he could find plane tickets I was about ready to just throw the kids in the car and start driving. I had to be there. A couple summers ago when Sue Mika's father passed away I debated about driving over to Detroit to the funeral. I didn't want to be an imposistion on the family but decided just to go anyway. I was so glad. So glad I could be there to see them and let them see me and know I loved them. Thanks for the post.