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The notebook
The tween/teen years are tricky parenting geography, especially with your oldest child. How much permission to grant, what are the kids ready for (and you! what are you ready for?), how to balance freedom + protection???
So here's an idea we tried: Years ago when Lauren was around 9, we started a notebook conversation between us. At the time we were in a rut where I seemed to be finding much more negative than positive things to say to her (of course now I can't remember the reasons or the issues or why they seemed so important to me...) and she was getting moodier in that hint-of-adolescence way. I had a bunch of blank books so one day I grabbed one, wrote her a note in it, and left it under her pillow. Then she wrote back.
It's been a crucial thing for our relationship. Recently I got it back out again on an evening when neither of us could really understand where the other was coming from. We both sound better in writing at those times. Friendlier and more calm.
Our guidelines are that we can say anything or ask anything, we won't correct or critique, and (my personal commitment to myself as the purported adult in this whole thing) I try to say positive things each time.
And confidentiality, of course. I won't quote our exchanges here but I'm sure you can imagine them. Sometimes she just asked what a word meant, sometimes I simply praised her efforts at trying new things. Other times we passionately defended our points of view or begged for understanding (or forgiveness!).
As a bonus, we have a terrific chronicle of our relationship. I look back and realize how ridiculous my expectations were at times. Lighten up, Annie, I remind myself. Most often, though, a re-read of the notebook increases my compassion for us both + shows what I've hoped all along: we're both doing the best we know how to do.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Reader Comments (6)
What a great idea. I just love it! Nothing can be more tricky than that mother-daughter relationship. I think you've come up with a brilliant solution. Some things just are better said when they're written down.
That is so great. I love that. How neat for her to have when she is older too, to look back on the things you said to her. The most prized possessions I have of my mom since she died are the notes she wrote to me. Especially if its in her handwriting. There's something to be said about seeing the way she loops her e's and crosses her t's. Good for you!
I have to agree with Stie and Bridget. I think it is a wonderful idea and worthy for every parent and every relationship. I also have to agree with the intimacy of a hand written note. It just feels like love.
p.s. I am so excited to see Maddy is reading Jane Eyre. I have to say it is probably my favorite book and I spent a good portion of my adolescent years in love with Mr. Rochester. As a follow up there is a book called "The Eyre Affair" (Alyson Whatcott actually gave it to me) which has to do with time travel and Jane Eyre, very fun, and another called "Wide Sargasso Sea" by Jean Rhys. It is the story of Rochester's first wife, her childhood, short marriage, and told from her point of view. Very interesting but might be a bit old for Maddy. You probably know about both of these anyway but just in case . . .
Thanks Emily! Those are great book hints. I've been really excited that Maddy's reading Jane Eyre, too. Did you see the PBS miniseries last spring? I thought it was actually pretty good!
I love this idea...we did "buddy journals" when I was learning how to teach elementary writing and I always thought it was a cool way to reinforce writing skills...but I love this new twist in parenting. She will treasure the journals as she gets older!