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Saturday
Feb212009
Those natural consequences
Last year Lauren and I had lots of run-ins about things. Things she felt entitled to own, things we either couldn't afford or couldn't justify. Every "no" was received like we were denying water to the thirsty. Or stingily holding back oxygen.
On one level, Greg and I both understood how she felt. We both remember those desperate teenage feelings, the conviction that this one thing will change my life, my status, my very self. (For me, it meant "borrowing" sweaters from my dad's closet even though I knew he'd be angry; G remembers throwing a fit in a shoe store [not as a teenager though] when he couldn't get the cool shoes). But still. The constant hunger for the next thing, coupled with a sense of entitlement and lack of gratitude, was driving me crazy and coloring many of our interactions. Oy.
So at the end of the summer, we introduced a new plan, Lauren's New Deal. We would pay Lauren a fairly nice monthly sum of money (not that much, not too little) but she would be responsible for purchasing her own things. We would cover food and lessons and essentials but she would buy the extras: clothes, social activities, texting charges, clothes, little incidentals. She could fritter it away on little things or save it over time for big things. It's up to you, darlin'.
Exhibit A: See her cell phone up there? It's taken a beating (an outright understatement). She's dropped it (multiple times), put it through some heavy conversing and texting, left it where Louie could try his chops on it, even lost it a couple of times. It's not pretty but it still works. Since replacing it would come out of her funds (and when weighed against a new dress for the semi-formal or a new ipod or jeans)--she doesn't feel the desperate urgency to get a new one. It makes me laugh every time I see it. And proud.
The unexpectedly hardest part for me is letting her live with the consequences of her choices without swooping in and saving her, supermom with amazing + heroic spending powers. At this very moment, she has no jeans that fit. None. They are all high-waters, bless her heart and growing limbs. She has spent her funds on lunches out with friends, shirts, gifts for friends. Doo-dahs, forgetting her one real need: new pants. This is the hard lesson, the one that I desperately want to soften. But softening it would only undo the learning, right?
So I keep my unhelpful rescue superpowers to myself, letting life teach her a few lessons while she's safely nestled under our rafters. Unless there's such a thing as the outgrown jeans fairy?
I guess not.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Reader Comments (15)
ooh, I love this. But a part of me still wants to be the outgrown jeans fairy... But truly, I am so glad you are raising kids like yours.
You are a gem of a mom. :)
love and logic would be so proud of you.
you are doing the right thing and she will be a better woman because of it.
it will be years before you feel good about it. get back to me when it happens.
You're very wise. Luckily birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's, Easter, etc. give excuses to save the day without looking like you are. I think the gift you're giving her about life is way more important than jeans.
You are a great mom to do this! Truly. My parents gave us money to budget as teenagers too adn I think its an excellent idea. Good for you!
Seriously, I love this idea. I think it's great.
So good.
I'm kind of like Lauren. My phone is even older and sadder. I just don't want to spend the money on a new one when I would rather spend it(like Lauren)on something else.
You are a wonderful mother!
But I need to teach myself to be the jeans fairy.
Yea for you! Letting her be responsible for her choices and learning from those choices. I understand how you can feel torn and have the "do I save her" or "do I let this be a good lesson for her". I've been there. One day you will have an self-reliant young lady and she will be able to take care of herself. Bravo.
Teach her now! Don't let her be a 30-something mother of three trying to learn this lesson herself.
Um. Not that I know anyone like that or anything. Ahem.
Well done, you.
Hey, that's my phone!
My parents did the same thing. It's a great way to learn.
And, I emailed you a question on your Basic Joy account...I wasn't sure how often you checked it...
You are so wise. I appreciate all the things that I learn from you.
And don't worry about the pants. It will be summer soon and they can be capris!!!
I was reading thru your blog a bit, and have been pondering the words you said in a previous post "show our kids the world & value experiences over things."
Something occured to me, from somewhere in the back of my head. I was having a kind of enlightening moment!
In my dad's desire to keep me (only daughter) safe, he kept us close to home. Close to home and with-in reach. He had traveled the world in the Navy and had been through Vietnam, and even worked at the Sherrif's Office for 11 years. I understood his quest to protect us, but I didn't understand why it was such a small world to me.
It was slowly dawning on me, that I do the same thing for my kids. I keep them safe, inside, buy them toys and games for us to play together... home... safe.
Now don't get me wrong, we have gone to Disney parks and traveled (thank you Air Force) and visit family too. But it was just, hmm, hard to describe how your words hit me when you said "experiences over things."
Perhaps a new goal for our family... having slipped into a safeloving habbit, maybe I can be brave and start being adventurous instead of so blissfully-ignorantly-safe-inside.
:)
I love you Annie !
You are an excellent mama! We are about to adopt the same plan for our 13 year old. I do have some old jeans she could have...she can email me if she gets desperate. I'm sure her legs are already waaay longer than mine though.
What a wonderful lesson you are teaching your daughter. As a mom to a younger girl, I appreciate a peek at what might be on my horizon. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
A way you could be the jeans fairy that would not undermine the lesson would be to offer her some work that she doesn't normally do (or would even be expected to do) and haggle over a "wage" for the job (or jobs). Upon completion, or maybe some before, final payment at the end - whatever, she would have money to purchase new pants. She's still fully responsible for her choices. She could spend that new money on the wrong things. And then you'll know not to offer such an opportunity again (or DO and remind her of her previous poor choice).
I'm not sure how old she is, as I'm a new reader, but one kind of work that would be very useful for any young woman would be menu planning and meal preparation. If, of course, she's not already responsible for such. If she's young enough (especially) this would be a great learning time and relatively hard work, too. Which makes the money earned even more valuable, perhaps.