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A sad conversation
Sunday night I was chatting with Sam on the sofa. He was having those oh-so-familiar-to-me Sunday night blues, dreading piano lessons (he hadn't practiced much) and homework and saying goodbye to the weekend.
We talked for a while and then lapsed into silence for a few moments.
"Is there anything else bothering you? You still seem pretty upset."
Silence, a shrug.
"Anything at school you want to talk about? Or with friends?"
Silence, an exhale, his eyes shifted to mine. "I guess it's just... [pause]...I mean...[pause]... Halloween just doesn't feel as fun as it used to be. We used to have so much fun" [chin quiver].
Being 12 is hard, that cusp between childhood and teenhood. The magic of childhood kind of leaves you in the dust, wondering where it all went. I remember being about his age and feeling like things didn't quite live up to my memories and expectations anymore. I felt bereft.
Add to that, being the youngest child is also difficult--everyone moves on to their next thing and leaves you wishing for more of what you long for: childhood, family time, games running around outside, skeletons and ghosts and decorations, the more the better. Instead, he watches his sisters come home from school+activities and head for the books, the computer, the phone. No wonder! (Also: Sorry, Chris, my youngest brother. It must have been hard for you, too.)
My heart broke a little for Sam. The lack of Halloween decorations (we do have a pumpkin on the porch! One!) symbolizes how much we've forgotten in the rush of school routines: the fun! the silliness! We used to have so much fun was a really good reminder (or indictment?) that our whole life doesn't have to be about leaf projects and college applications and work/school/obligations. There's the basic joy of living life, too. I know this but I wasn't doing it.
Sorry, buddy. Now where did I put those black crows and skeletons?
. . .
Do you remember a time when some of the shine went out of things? What do you think about how birth order affects the kind of (length of) childhood someone experiences?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Reader Comments (9)
i went through this with christmas for several years. i think it was the letdown of discovering the santa myth, coupled with getting older and receiving less presents. it all felt so lonely. the good news is he is now that much closer to having his own kids and reliving the magic that way.
wait. is that really good news???
This post makes me feel guilty. I have totally failed with Halloween this year. And, the funny thing is, this is really the first year that Caleb even gets Halloween. This was my chance to shine, to be the kind of cool Mom that I have, and no dice. I've had this midterm hanging over my head (I finally take it today, and pass or fail it will be done) and everything, EVERYTHING else seems to have taken a back seat. How do you do it? School and kids and being a great Mom? My kids are little and excited about everything, but I'm the cheerleader and I'm benched right now. I'm trying to rally, but it's hard, really hard. We haven't carved pumpkins or made sugar cookies. Costumes are not ready for prime time. We have no decorations, zero!! What? I'm sorry that Sam is sad, but now I am just worried my kids will never feel that way, because they won't know the difference. Hooray for you for being a fun Mom, even if this year you're a little more subdued that in years past...at least there's a past.
Okay, so this comment is melancholy and self-centered. Sorry. Obviously, I needed to let some things out. Cursed midterm, though it isn't the fault of the test, it's my fault. I chose to go back to school. I guess I just didn't realize I was also choosing school or fun, engaged Mom. Was I? Have I? Is it too late? If I'd known that, I might have made a different choice. Sigh.
Sniff. He needs to come to my house. Xander is in full-blown Halloween mode-- I think he feels the need to really live it up while he's 'little.' It will be interesting to see what happens in my household over the next few years.
Oh, Sam. I have kiddos here that are right on that same page with you. The magic of childhood is only a thin veil now. Every year I am tempted to pare down the decorating, but I still do it, because I remember pretty vividly, of being on that child-tween cusp. So, in answer to your birth order question, yes, I think it plays a role, but I also think individual personalities play an equal role. (I have siblings who didn't agonize over the letting go of childhood like I did. And it's not exactly that I didn't want to grow up, I just was keenly aware of what I was leaving behind.)
I hope you found your crows and skeletons. ;)
I have been thinking about this exact thing too. I am the youngest of eight and I try hard to keep things young and fun for Solomon (being the youngest too). I don't want him to lose out on what everyone else had at his age just because they're "over it". For me, I have some trust issues. I have a hard time making true friends. I don't like to invest my time in people if they are just going to leave. Being the youngest, you always see the people you love leaving and it sucks! When your girls start the leave home, make sure they stay in contact with Sam so he still feels connected. Surely you can see that you are a true friend since I am telling you my deep dark trust issue secrets. Can't wait to see you!
What a sweet boy you have. I am the youngest of five and remember having those exact feelings about not wanting to move on & grow up. This was an excellent reminder of living in the moment and always trying to have fun! I hope I remember that when they are all older!
Andrea, that's when I felt it the most, too, at Christmas. Even in my late teens I didn't want to be awake when Santa did his magic. Even, sometimes, now.
Linsey, I am so sorry this made you feel guilty! Not at all what I intended. I know you do a lot of fun things with your kids (evidenced on your blog) and, really, their own enthusiasm for these things take them far. (And your boys have each other to experience this, too!) There have been other times when I haven't been the fun mom I wanted to be (okay, lots of them): high intensity church callings, new babies, minor depression, the list goes on. For most of childhood, I think a little really does go a long way and your high expectations are just that: yours. There are a lot of Halloweens ahead of them! Start small and build from there :). As for the student and mom balance, I hear you sister. It gets better + it's for a short amount of time of their lives. Here's to feeling better after the midterm.
Michelle, I wish I could! One of the many reasons I love you. Also, a good reminder that mom doesn't have to do all of the decorating! (Linsey, we should turn some of that over to our boys, don't you think?)
Sevensmiles (J), I think you're right about the personality thing, too. I was definitely one of the reluctant ones, too. And I think so is Sam (complicated by the fact that he doesn't pipe up about what he's feeling nearly enough.
Liz, same here, about friendshipping and can't wait to get together soon. :)
Annemarie, thank you! Exactly: I have been forgetting to live in the moment. And forgetting that I LOVE those moments!
I had to come back because I felt like my reply was flippant. Much love to you my friend.
Anne -- Came back and read this post-midterm. Yowzah, I think I was a litttle overwrought. Thanks for being my therapist, sorry for unloading on you. Midterm was fine and I have treat bags all over my house for my visit to Caleb's class tomorrow. Your perspective is so perceptive and helpful. Thanks again!