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Leaving in the fairest of the seasons
Still processing the wonderful, bittersweet weekend I spent with family. All but 4 of my 24 cousins made it (from all over the country) as well as all of my aunt's siblings, her parents and, of course, her children. There was a lot of love flowing along with the tears.
While I won't say everything that's wandering around my mind and heart right now, I will be honest about this: suicide leaves its own mark on grief.
I imagine her on a long hike with us: over peaks and valleys and across long stretches of desert. She found the journey difficult and debilitating but she kept persisting at it, even adding more to her load by stopping to support and carry others along the way. In the end, she grew depleted and found herself unable to go another step, unable to see or even imagine cool green meadows ahead. I'm going to go ahead and head home, she says. I'll see you all back there. And so she did.
This is too simplistic, I know. It's too pat to account for either the complexity of her experience or the range of emotions we feel--especially those felt by her now-grown children and new grandchildren, who will bear the vastness of her absence in the months and years ahead.
I do believe in mercy and, that after her long and brave daily struggle, she has found that cool green meadow.
But I'm still really sad about it.
. . .
My cousin played guitar and sang Fairest of the Seasons at the family memorial service. So moving.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Reader Comments (9)
I believe in mercy too.
Thank you for your blog Annie.
Oh, Annie. That really is just so hard. As this subject has touched our family in the past as well, I do have to believe that the Lord understands more than we do and I leave it in His hands. I at least can empathize on the bittersweet experience of going to the funeral and seeing family that you haven't seen in a long time. It really feels like a slice of heaven. Bless you and your family.
Suicide does leave its own mark, that is for sure. I am so glad you were able to be there with so much family. Hugs, friend!
I'm so glad you could be there.
Oh Annie, I had no idea. Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong to. Suicide surely leaves a different kind of mark. I'm glad your family got together-its important to stick by each other. If you need to get away for bit, give me a shout-I'll be there in a flash.
This is all I know about suicide: the only response can be one of love and mercy, never judgement. I hope the funeral started the healing process for those left behind.
Beautifully perfect picture in that post, Annie.
i imagine more people have been touched by suicide than we realize. it's not until we share an experience that we really relate with one another on it. we talk of hope as a means of soothing the anguish; i am so thankful it's more than just talk. it's a veritable principle of the gospel.
I've wanted to write since I first read this, but have been a bit at a loss. My youngest brother has been gone 5 years and while there is some relief after a fashion that he no longer is struggling it still hurts.....the mark doesn't go away, but as my Dad shared with me once it starts to get crowded by other more pleasant ones so that its intensity lessens--kind of like individual dots of paint when spray painted. I wish I could remember the book that he read that from, but I can't. In any case I wish somehow I could give you a hug.
Chiska, thank you so much for coming back and commenting. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. Heartbreaking. Sending a (virtual but heartfelt) hug back to you.
Liz and Rochelle, I thought of you both when I was home for the funeral and with family, knowing you had been through similar experiences. The club no one want to belong to is right. xo