Like a dream

 

Maddy recently discovered the joys of photography and can be found with my old film camera slung around her neck, focusing on various details and worrying about lighting and shutter speed. I can't wait to see the world through her lens. And I do have to wait. Oh, film. Remember the patience of film photography? She's taking a class and learning the darkroom techniques of developing film. Twice someone else opened up the developer with her film in it and she lost the entire batch of photos. Twice. Gone, like a dream untold. Heartbreaking.

. . .

I admit I'm a little out of sorts today. I went back to bed after the last of the kids left for school at 7:30 this morning because I went to bed at 1 (G got called out for a bit last night) and got up at 5:15 (driving kids to seminary) and I'm not a very nice person on 4 hours of sleep. Or at least that's the feedback I've received.

Morning dreams are odd. Today I had this strange & vivid dream where G and I were driving along and he remembered he needed to get something so suddenly he was gone and I was alone in the car. La di da di da, looking out the window, enjoying the scenery. Then I looked up and the car was veering toward a cliff because (hello!) no one was driving. I grabbed the steering wheel but ended up rear-ending two cars that were parked in a row, one filled with policemen. G showed up, a little bewildered about how I managed to crash, but kind about it.  We decided to find some bicycles.

Don't analyze that, please.

And, sorry, retold dreams are never very interesting but this is just to say that now I have a dream hangover, fuzzy and a little irritated and kind of defensive.

So fingers crossed on the nice person thing today.

Me vs. Me

Turns out that going to London for a week, then turning around and going to Washington, DC, for my (final!) fellowship meetings for four days results in a sizeable backlog of work on the homefront.  I have to pay the piper, apparently.  Man, I resent that piper sometimes. I'd much rather hide my head in the sand. Or in a giraffe costume, should that be conveniently on hand.

Towering at the top of my list is a major paper I promised to my advisor this week. It's sooooo close and yet so far from being done. I am experiencing major writing dread and I seem to be repelled from my computer. Well, maybe not my computer (here I am enjoying it immensely, see?) but definitely anything associated with academic writing.

On the other hand, I really want to do it. I do! I love the ideas I'm writing about and want to keep moving forward. I chose this set of challenges. So there's the battleground: me vs. me. I'm so good at sabotaging myself, too: my ultimate opponent.

When I was driving home this weekend, I heard a compelling Radio Lab story about this very issue. A woman named Zelda Gamson was trying to stop smoking: wanted to stop, knew she should, but somehow the "other" her kept getting in the way. I was fascinated to find out how she finally triumphed over herself. Would it be setting up a fabulous reward? Finally deciding to improve her health so she could be there for her grandchildren and (please bless) even their children?

You know what it was? She made a pact with a friend that if she had another cigarette she would send $5000 to the Ku Klux Klan. That's right, she would fund lynchings and prejudice and evil. And you know what? After decades of trying and failing to rid herself of smoking, this time she never took another puff. The key for her was finding something so revolting that it outsmarted all of her little excuses and compromises. Fascinating!

Well, back to work...surely you've figured out that even this post is a distraction from what I really should be doing. Time to locate some self discipline or get out my checkbook, I guess.

What would be the worst negative consequence you could give yourself to motivate a change or behavior you're after? Or do you work better with rewards?

p.s. I will do a mega-London post once I have made some headway toward my deadline. (Besides, if you're like me you probably overdosed on London and royal wedding coverage over the weekend, right? Take a breather and I'll inundate you soon. xo)

If you are joyful...

...it will shine in your eyes and in your look, in your conversation and in your countenance. You will not be able to hide it because joy overflows. Joy must be one of the pivots of our life. It is the token of a generous personality. Sometimes it is also a mantle that clothes a life of sacrifice and self-giving. A person who has this gift often reaches high summits. He or she is like a sun in a community. ~Mother Teresa

I know people like this, don't you? I aspire to this. I would especially like for my family to think of me as someone who is joyful, a sun in our community of home. Sometimes I find this so inspiring, so aspirational.

But I have to admit that sometimes--today, for instance--I'm not a sun, I'm a raincloud. A bowl of cold oatmeal. A brittle fall leaf. Rather than overflowing, my joy congeals in wobbly puddles at the bottom of my heart. Telling me to be joyful just mires my feet in guilt. You know how it is sometimes. Instead I lean on hope.

Tomorrow will be better, as I used to whisper in the ears of my young ones at the end of hard days. Tomorrow will be better.

. . .

image via

Adeste fideles

Yesterday, G left on his surprise post-birthday trip to Utah. I have to say I was so excited it all came together for this well-deserved, long overdue adventure.  After Christmas I contacted a handful of his best buddies from high school to see if they'd be willing to meet up in Park City for a ski weekend to celebrate G's birthday. These are lifelong friends who really get each other, great guys all. Happily, they were all game (and, in fact, enthusiastic) so yesterday Chris flew in from Oregon, Sugata from California, Chuck from Arizona, G from here and they met four more friends who already live there: Mark, Nate, Justin, and Kelly.  Watch out, Park City.

Once he got a seat on the plane, he called to tell me goodbye and thank you, that he made his plane, and that he accidentally took my credit card with him. We were chatting away when in the background I heard a woman say (obviously to G), very clearly, "hi! do you mind if I sit in your lap?" + playful laughter.

Now, maybe there are some situations in travel I'm not aware of where sitting in a strange man's lap (or offering to) would be advisable.  I can't really think of any right now. Or, let's give her the benefit of the doubt...maybe G was accidentally sitting in her seat.  But, still.  It rankled.

I piped up on my end of the line "um, I DO!"

He relayed, "my wife says to tell you she minds."  We all laughed. Hahahahaha.  (Grrrr.)

. . .

It really was funny. Except not really.  

It's been a tough year for the marriage model, fidelity wise.  It feels like every month there's a new scandal about someone (Say it ain't so, Dave! and Tiger. and various governors. and presidential candidates. and friends' husbands.  Say...it...ain't...so.)

I hate that this betrayal happens...especially when it's to people I love.

I hate that with every new story another whisper of a fear enters my marriage heart, despite my trust in G.  I really do trust his love and goodness. Even saying that, the whisper pipes up "that's what all those wives said, too."  

And you know what else? I hate that women feel free to flirt with other people's husbands. We should be better to each other than that.

. . .

Because marriage is a leap of faith. And fidelity (the Latin fides, meaning trust, belief, faith) is the privilege and price of that unique, wholehearted relationship that marriage offers.  

Because this is what should be happening more often, not less:

My grandfather was born and raised on our New Zealand farm. He and my grandmother were married nearly 60 years. Preparing for a photo in the barley, my grandmother lovingly reached up to adjust his hat. This was his last harvest.

Gemma Collier, National Geographic Photo of the Day, 11.04.09

Back | Forward

Looking back

2009 was a year of growth:

teaching my first solo college course

going out of my comfort zone

learning how to better serve

learning how to better forgive

and ask forgiveness.

Giving myself pep talks and permission

writing monthly for Segullah

connecting and gathering

friends, family, thoughts, challenges.

But in many ways it was hard to distinguish it from the years before it.

When I think of the past decade

(looking at the forest rather than the trees)

it was, after the child bearing decade of the 90s,

a time for child raising, when we became a family.

We moved from "young parents" to (early!) middle aged ones.

And I figured out myself a bit.

We stayed put and let ourselves

send out roots and branches.

We wandered around the planet a bit.

Decided to embrace possibilities and 

be the captains of our ship.

. . . 

Looking forward

(hello, 2010!)

I'm excited and nervous about

what the new year and decade might bring.

Today I'm making lists of hopes and goals and plans

(and watching a Harry Potter movie marathon)

Happiest new year to you~

may it be filled with good things.

. . . 

Write it on your heart

that every day

is the best day of the year

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

. . .

Song: My Brightest Diamond | Feeling Good

((^click to listen))