Keeping on

Best of .09    |   Best challenge of the year

I'm a serial starter, an enthusiastic idea person. You want to brainstorm? Pull up a chair, I'll heartily join you with verve.  I run headlong into new projects with good intentions and start-up energy swirling in my wake.

But there's a flip side.

My weakness shows up as I try to trudge on in that middle place where the doubts creep in.  Why am I even doing this? I'll ask. Maybe this isn't such a great idea.   Sometimes the lull is brought on by other people's opinions, sometimes it's just the loss of momentum.  Case in point: Look! Here I am in the 9th or 11th day of the year-in-review posts (depending on how you count them) and I'm starting to be late. Sigh. Typical, I scold to myself.  But I'm not really a quitter, just a fizzler.

This year my biggest challenge has been to learn how to harness the energy of that initial spark and plan for the time when the lulls come and I just don't really want to [fill in the blank] anymore and I'll need something to carry me through.

Through it, I've learned the sweetness and integrity of following through to the end, even if it means limping along for while until the spark returns.  And it does return!

I've learned that I don't have to do everything that comes across my mind, that it's okay to have idea orphans for a while.

I've realized that just because I can do something, don't mean I should do it.  I'm getting better at using my judgment to filter which ideas/projects/requests are worthwhile.

And, probably most importantly, I've learned to be kinder to my weaknesses.  They respond not to heartless, ruthless stomping but to compassion and a nice margin with plenty of room for failure.

. . .

Best of 09 year in review, Gwen Bell style. 

What was *your* best or biggest challenge this year?

On not taking the road less traveled by

 

Just so you know, we will not be moving to Australia.

Probably you are not either?

We have been keeping this exciting possibility (Australia relocation) under our hats since late July, when G was told that he was one of a few attorneys in his company being considered to head up legal for the Australian branch of the company.  We didn't tell the kids (why get them all excited/nervous until we know for sure?), we didn't tell family (same reason), or local friends (it's so hard to be straddling the line between being here and leaving).  I did tell a couple of people who could know from afar and give me someplace to bubble up our news when I felt like I'd overflow (thanks, gals).

But the two of us, G and I, have talked about it a lot over the last months.  Most plans began with "If we're in Australia...." or "If we're still here..."  I admit, I looked into real estate and schools and church congregations.  I knew it wasn't a certainty but I did enjoy thinking about the possibility of starting all over in a faraway country (and continent!).  Unless I was worrying about going--moving the kids to a new country and new set of friends, distance from loved ones, missing our wonderful town.

Along the way, Australia came up in the oddest places. Almost every day someone mentioned it to me: they had lived there, were from there, wanted to go there. Was it a sign?!! 

No. We found out that someone else is going. Which is fine, really. We'll buy curtains finally and stay here longer. Now we know which set of advantages + blessings we keep. Plus I'm relieved for Lauren, who would have spent her junior and senior year there (is there a more impossible time to move?).

The thing is, I kind of like adventure and the road less traveled. Now I'm still just doing what I was doing before and where's the fun in that? (I know, I really do have a good situation here and it's a happy life but compared to Australia? Meh.)  It was fun carrying around this little nugget of a secret.

So long, Australia.  I had great hopes for us.

Also in other news: I am not pregnant. But for a while there (at least in my active imagination), I was raising a little caboose baby (12 to 17 years younger than the other kids) in Australia!

Why is hard to let go of something you never had?  And be relieved at the same time?

. . .

Best of 09 day 4: Best book. Fiction:  The Book Thief, a book I have been meaning to read for at least 2 years. I had started no less than 5 times before and never gotten past the first chapter.  Finally I did it this fall and loved it. I finished it on a Saturday afternoon on my bed. G came in as I was weeping profusely at the end and kissed me on the forehead.   Non fiction: Mindset.  I love Carol Dweck and her research. This is her general nonfiction book about her work, looking into how our mindsets (fixed traits or growth) affect effort and achievement.

Mixed feelings

I love October with a passion and an ache. Every time I gasp in glee at a tree's audacious over-the-topness it is accompanied by a melancholy that remembers the longlong stark New England winter ahead. Sigh.

Here's a little something for wallowing in the melancholy side of fall. I first discovered Eva Cassidy about 11 years ago when we lived in DC (she had recently passed away, sadly). She still gets to me, every time.

And here's something to appreciate the cozy, happy side of fall. Just what I needed to read yesterday during a rainy gray fall day. I love autumn, love the seasons, love the chance to change what we wear and do and think about. And we do earn this glorious colorful span of time with our trudge through the quieter winter season. Right?

Speaking of mixed feelings, today is my last day as a thirtysomething. It's been a fantastic decade and I feel very lucky to be learning the things I'm learning with the people I love. But it's melancholy, too, you know?

In my own image

Recently I came across this photo of myself. What ever happened to Batgirl? I thought, as though she were the girl who sat behind me in pre-algebra. Somehow we lost touch along the way.

She didn't mind wearing a cape or being photographed. She didn't worry what her thighs looked like in the tights or even really care what others thought. But it's more than that.

There's a "hello, life!" look in her eyes that I want back. She just knew what she wanted to be. Or who she was.

Batgirl, that's who.

* * *

Recently I've had the occasion to need a more formal bio photo. The people who asked for it gave me a deadline of the end of August and, while I kept intending to get it done, I was really more in summer mode. You know: procrastination + que sera, sera attitude. Plus denial. Finally, at the end of the month, I put my camera in Maddy's hands, stood in the spot of our house with the best natural light, and said "have at it!" It was after a Sunday nap and I forgot to brush my hair. That's how bad I am at being a photo subject. I did put in earrings, however.

(You may have noticed a dearth of photos of myself here on this site. I loath having my photo taken. I much prefer taking them. So this exercise was wayyyyy out of my comfort zone.)

But Maddy was the ideal photographer (for me): very positive and patient and open to suggestions. She even got me to do some shampoo commercial action hair flips and red carpet over-the-shoulder gazes. She did a great job. Here's (because I know you're wondering, not because I've suddenly embraced self-photos) what we decided on

although I would have been just as happy to send in the batgirl photo and call it done.

* * *

Sam got a Wii for his birthday in August, which means we are all enjoying his birthday bounty. One day he asked if he could do a Mii of me (which is a character that you create and can have as your avatar when you play a game). It was hilarious to see him decide on the nose and the hair and the eyebrows and the size. He made me thinner and better looking than I really am, which was very kind of him.

Or maybe that's how he really sees me?

Making me think: if the people I love think I look fine, maybe I should stop worrying and get on with things.

I think that's what Batgirl would do.

* * *

p.s. I'm back. I think. I'm dipping my toe back in the waters of everyday life, after a great visit from my mom (she left today + I'll be posting some of our adventures for record-keeping sake) and our family's August journeys. Bless you, September, with your routines and nesting. I'm looking forward to both.

No. Way.

I have one, do you? A list of things you'd like to do before you die. A bucket list. Well, Maggie got some great news that's she's sharing today:

Take a look.

My response? NO. WAY!!!! I'm so happy for her.

But, on the other hand, what happens when you finish your bucket list decades before you're ready to die? I get a bit of a let down after every trip I take; I can only imagine the letdown after that. But I guess I'd be willing to give it a try :).

Note to self: go update bucket list. And, just in case, include some really fantastic things.