Notes for my pockets

I was talking with a friend who has been undergoing treatment for cancer.  She commented that it's been hard to reconcile the polarity that everything has changed and yet nothing has changed. Everything--her perspective, her sense of herself, of security, the new focus on healing--has changed.  Yet she looks out her window and kids are still going to school, the seasons change as always, life goes on. Living with both realities, she said, is difficult but comforting.

She said it reminded her of "an old midrash [a rabbinic story...she's Jewish] about a sage who always kept two notes -- both quotes from scripture -- on his person...one in each of his coat pockets.  The first one reminded him that "the world was created for you" -- God set this glorious table of creation, all the wonders of the world, just for humans to experience and enjoy.  

"The second one reminded him that "from dust you came, and to dust you will return" -- individuals are so terribly impermanent, inconsequential... they come and go in an instant of history." 

I love the thought of these folded up, tattered contradictory notes keeping the wise man both inspired and grounded.

{And doesn't this little film clip demonstrate both of these:}

via Keith Loutit's Vimeo

I've been thinking about that story ever since.  

About contradictions.  

And choosing between polarities.  

Or not choosing between.  

Because sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction (and it frustrates me!): 

Shy/friendly. Adventurous/homebody. Confident/insecure. Serious/silly. Worrier/laid back. Planner/procrastinator. Hopeful/pessimistic. Wishy/washy.  Mother/student. Seeking/content. Reverent/raucus.  To name a few.

Yet choosing one or the other of the pair feels like I've left a little, other part of me behind. Some contradictions (Adam & Eve in the Garden comes to mind) certainly require choices.  But my friend's midrashic story makes me wonder if some of the other contradictions each deserve a place in my pocket.  And yours?

Hmmm. Maybe it's more about the balance and knowing when to switch to the other pocket...

 

Today's Maddy watch: en route to Beijing, flying over the north pole (maybe seeing the Northern Lights?!)

Comments

[seven smiles]

I feel the SAME way.
Who am I really?
Will the real me please stand up?

(I even wrote a post about it and then I just ended up keeping it in draft...)

[seven smiles]

(I just read your twitter about gmail.
I hope you did not get like 5 duplicate e-mails from me today. It kept saying it failed so I just kept sending 'em...)

[Emily]

loved this post as always Annie. And I too often feel that way. Sometimes I want to categorize myself and know where I stand, which column do I fit in, and then I have to realize, it's just TV characters who fit easily in one column. Characters who are more caricature than character, and I remember it's okay to be a bit of everything.

[the wrath of khandrea]

i think one of our biggest concerns is that we are not being true to ourselves by choosing one over the other. life is nothing if not dichotomous. i think the real challenge in it all is learning to balance between the two, while remaining true to the role both play in your life. as you stated so cleverly- switching pockets as need would dictate.

[diane]

I've had a frightening realization that the world outside my doors and inside can function well without me. It makes me a little sad. Life is totally passing me by and after awhile I'm the only one that notices.

[Emily]

Meeeeeee too. You keep posting awesome posts.

[Robin]

I think it's nice to vacillate between polarities. It would be boring to always be the strong one or the weak one, the cheerful one or the sullen one. Try on a new mood and see if it fits and if it does, use it when you need it. It helps me learn.

I need to spend more time on your blog. It's great!

[Michelle]

I think about this all the time-- the truth that I am nothing and yet, wonderfully, miraculously, God thinks I am infinitely valuable. But I can never balance that knowledge.

[calibosmom]

I am a living breathing pair of 5 pocket jeans. Perfect post!

[Christie]

Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be one note in the pocket and leave the other behind. Like, what if I'm not as good at that other thing? What if it's too hard to be that way? And I think I'm so afraid of being rejected that I sometimes choose the one me I'm comfortable with, the easy one. But there's a part deep down inside that really wants to try the flip side of that pocket. To see what the other me COULD be like.

Excellent words for me today. As ever, my wise friend.

[dayna]

love your list of self-prescribed contradictions. i could attach all of them--100%--to myself! i think one side of each of them is what i choose to be when around certain people or groups, and the other side is who i really am. wish i could reconcile that.