Being a Partier

Ah, the power of a good gathering. I can't think of a faster ticket to bringing acquaintances across the border to friendship or to transforming a bit of loneliness to feeling more connected. I have found it's especially powerful when you're in a new town/home/country, far from family, and are still figuring out your place in your new world.

We decided to celebrate the new year with a casual stop-by-whenever-you-can brunch today for New Year's Day with some of the new friends and hopefully-soon-to-be friends who have made us feel welcome here. Nothing fancy. Aebleskivers (would you expect anything different?). American style bacon (yes! big news! we found a place with a very close version). Fruit. 

I'm no expert but over the years I've made enough missteps that I've learned some lessons on how to make it a more enjoyable experience all around. So, for what it's worth, here are a few of my tried-and-trues (also to be filed under my liner notes of advice for my kids):

Enlist the whole family. Listen. Don't be a martyr. Involve the whole crew in getting ready. It's no fun for anyone if you are harried and sweaty and martyr grumpy by the time people arrive. (I loved Robin's post about this martyrdom thing that we all feel at times, which made me think harder about how to avoid it.)

Here's what works for us: When we have people coming over I brainstorm all the prep tasks crazily swimming around my brain and put each one on a post-it. Then I call everyone into the kitchen to initial the ones they each will do, including me (and the early bird gets the best choices). Then as they're completed we take the notes off the wall. This makes it super simple: no one has to ask how they can help...they just do. And no one (you or me) has to angrily bang around pans and dishes feeling unsupported and alone. Not that that's ever been a behavior I have indulged in or anything.

Keep it simple, simple, simple. Choose food you can prep in advance. The idea is that you have time to chat with people, not be stuck in the kitchen, scurrying around. Sometimes I have the main dish premade by one of our favorite take-outs (like pulled pork BBQ) and just add the sides. If doing things up fancy makes you feel all happy and alive, great. High five. But there's no shame in paper plates, cups, and a store-bought pie. 

Relax and enjoy. Repeat after me: this is all about enjoying the people. You can worry about dishes or carpet stains or counters later but right now is time for some zen in your life. Okay, yes, check to make sure there's enough forks or whether the drinks need to be replenished but for the most part be in the moment and go along for the ride. 

Provide some distractions. Knowing we had 40+ people in a wide range of ages here today, we set out legos, books, guitars/ukes, games, and nerf guns (what a combo, huh?) for people to discover and play if they wanted. (Some of them even brought their own guitars, hooray!)

Singing outside, singing inside. Mercy. These guys can come to my house every day if they'll bring their music along, too. It made my heart so happy to hear and, even better, everyone else sang along. 

I also set my camera to "auto" and invited people to snap pictures as the morning went on. Maddy got some great shots:

At the end, after awkwardly determining whether to kiss cheeks/hug/shake hands as your guests leave (or maybe that only happens to me?) and after waving the last goodbye, don't let the in-house troops disappear. Give assignments for wrap-up while you debrief the party and chat about all the goings on. It's almost as fun as the party itself!

Take a nap. Or a bath. Really, you should. You deserve it.

Liner Notes 40-46 : Things I apparently forgot to say

40. To determine when to flip pancakes, wait until the edges set and start to bubble. Cook them on medium to make sure that the middle gets done and the outsides don't burn*

41. Check the bottom of dishes to see if they're microwave safe. Otherwise, you might explode your roommate's bowl when you're cooking lunch for that boy you know.*

42. Sometimes awkward people will overstay their welcome or make you feel uncomfortable with their lack of boundary respect.* Not everyone reads social cues very well or wants to get the message. Be kind and compassionate while also finding a way to be firm and stand up for yourself and your discomfort. No, I'm sorry you can't come into our apartment right now. We're all studying/busy/have plans.  Or we feel uncomfortable when you show up alone at all hours and expect to hang around our apartment...maybe next week we can all get together with a group. 

43. Staying up really late will catch up with you eventually. Case in point, 3:30 a.m. is too late to stay out, weekend or no.* I'm pretty sure most people will back me up here.

44. Sometimes the hype about attending the football game makes the actual game a disappointing let down.* This applies to most over-blown hype. It's hard to live up to.

45. It's a good idea to double check where your classes are held to make sure you'll be at the right place the first day.* When you realize your mistake and read where the class really is, it's a good idea to note the right building so you don't rush into the wrong classroom a second time.*

46. When serving guests breakfast and you have only a couple of dishes, consider giving the guests the plates and serving from the pans, not the other way around.* :)

. . .

With the first of my children having left home this fall, I'm writing occasional Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

*actual events in the life of my freshman...small hiccups that will just provide fodder for good liner notes of her own someday. Lauren is having a fantastic time so far and seems to be making the most of every minute. I love hearing about her great new friendships and adventures and almost constant hostessing. We miss her but love knowing she's happy in her new setting.

Do you have any great freshman disaster stories?

. . .

Facing West by The Staves

Yes, my heart faces west at least several times a day. 

Liner notes 27- 39: College edition

Lauren in an impossibly empty bookstore. 

27.  Dream big*. I think those dreams were planted inside you for a reason. Listen to them, shoot high, and buckle down and make it work. We believe in you.

28.  Browse the university book aisles to find classes/ideas/subjects you might love to take next semester. Oh, and buy the used books as much as you can, keep the receipts, and sell back the ones you don't need longer term (that's probably four in one but this is my list so I'll multiply if I want to :).

29. Ask questions. Literally, in class. You never know unless you ask. Go ahead, raise your hand.

30. Make connections. Between ideas and different classes you take. And, especially, with people: professors, friends, fellow students. And us, your family. Still connect with us :) 

31. Take advantage of these four years*. They're unique and pretty much all about you. Fill 'em up.

32. Be silly sometimes. Have a blast.

33. Learn from your mistakes. You'll make them. It's okay.

34. Take some classes Just Because. Even if they don't count a bit toward your major or graduation. Now's your chance to take ballroom dance/moral philosophy/flower design/golf/whatever.

35. Sit up front now and then.

36. Start those term papers early. Bit by bit is better. Just trust me on this: everyone thinks they can crank out a paper in one procrastinated all-nighter. I'm here to tell you that it will show.

37. Don't walk by yourself after dark. Pretty please.

38. Ask more questions.  Nudge your assumptions, look at things from another perspective, open up to other ideas/explanations/approaches.

39. Remember how very much we love you. We do. We really, really do.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few weeks  this week, I'm writing occasional (weeklyish) Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

* Borrowed from Lee Woodruff's advice to her son when he left for college. Check out her terrific series of posts about sending a child to college: preparing, dropping off, and recovering. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Liner notes 21-26

21. Find and emulate good mentors. Personal mentors, spiritual mentors, academic and professional mentors--whether in person or distant, they light the way toward the person you were meant to be. Wonder about what makes them so terrific. Notice what makes them tick, what their habits are. Use those things as a pattern for your own self. (Then, of course, thank them for their inspiration.) 

22. On a related note, sometimes you have to fake it 'til you make it/make a leap of faith. Not all the time. But every once in a while, you'll feel kind of like an imposter when you first _______ (become a parent, start a job, graduate from college, fulfill a calling). It's okay; make the first steps, get out there and the way will appear beneath you (thank you, Kierkegaard and Raiders of the Lost Ark).  

23. Learn a little ballroom dancing. You never know when you'll be invited somewhere (wedding? ball? inauguration?) that it'll come in handy. But until then, when in doubt on the dance floor and some kind of ballroomish dancing is required, just step forward together, side together, back together, side together, making a kind of square.

24.  Sunscreen, baby. Every single time.

25. Embrace a little fear. Do it anyway. Recognize it as a little signal that you're giving yourself the chance to grow.

26. Read the paper, listen to the news, be able to discuss issues intelligently. Get your information from lots of sources, not just the ones that confirm what you already thought you knew. When you don't agree with someone, be willing to listen to their point of view and articulate yours with respect and kindness.

. . .

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few weeks, I'm writing occasional (weeklyish) Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

. . .

photo from Lilibet Circus Child via 

Liner notes 16-20

16. Enthusiasm is cooler than cool is. Go all in.

17. Righty tighty. Lefty loosey.

18. Value experiences over things. You've heard this; it's one of our family's informal mottos. If you have the chance to see the world through someone else's eyes, to enrich and expand and even challenge what you already know, take it. It's one of the important things we're here to do.

19. A little mystery is a good thing. Shut the bathroom door, for instance.

20. If you see someone you know, go say hi.

. . . 

With the first of my children leaving home in the next few months, I'm writing occasional (weeklyish) Liner Notes, bits of advice to my kids concerning my take on how to be a gracious, awesome grown-up-type person (both trivial bits and major advice). Why "liner notes"? Because, back in the day, I pored over the liner notes of my cds, curious to find the story behind the music. That's what I hope this will be: the story behind the music of growing up and setting off on your own. (Or at least a ready-made catalog of how you can avoid making my mistakes.) Feel free to chime in! What would you add?

. . .

photo of Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong by Phil Stern, 1952